High School: A time of confusion

The beginning of high school for me was less than joyful. I actually dreaded the first day, and cried several (ahem...many) times throughout the first few months. The transition was definetly a difficult one, and I longed for my middle school days and my old friends. It wasn't until the end of grade 10 that I actually found my place in the bewildering world of cliques and drama queens. I had a solid group of friends going into grade eleven and I was beginning to feel more comfortable in my own skin.
Once I finally settled into my (by then) not-so-new surroundings, I decided it was about time to fetch myself a boyfriend. The notion of having a high school love was something so prevelant in my mind and in those of my peers, that it was impossible to ignore. Growing up, I always imagined myself as a sophisticated woman in high school; with my handsome boyfriend and my beautiful hair, and make-up of course. Well, I did start to wear make-up quite often, but let's just say that the dreamy boyfriend part did not turn out quite as I had envisioned.
In fact, dreamy is a stretch that nobody would have made. I convinced myself that Mike was confident and smart, but really he was cocky and weird. He did not treat me well. In fact, he looked down upon me; he thought that I was of a lower class and made sure to remind me of it. He also thought that he was bound for Harvard, which wasn't the case (I will not gloat). Looking back on it now, I cannot believe I ever dated him.
This was the start of my dating people that I cannot believe I ever dated. To give myself some credit, however, I will point out that I was quite inexperienced at this point in time and I didn't know any better. I have no excuse nowadays, except to blame society. You can always blame society or a messed up childhood because both of these can cause some pretty crazy thoughts to brew in your mind. Anyways, let's leave the past on the back-burner for now and concentrate on Mike, and the damage he caused for 'high school Nicole'.
The details are a bit blurry for me now, as 9 years have passed since we first began dating. The entire relationship lasted just under a year and, lucky for me, my sister has a memory like a video camera. A special thank you goes out to Lauren for reminding me of all of the weird, disgusting and terrible occurences that formed the basis of my relationship with Mike.
Mike was a guy who like to do what he wanted, when he wanted, and he always wanted me to tag along for the ride. He liked certain restaurants; typically very expensive restaurants. At first, naturally, I was excited to dine at such lovely places with my boyfriend. It took me several months to realize that he wasn't taking me to these extravagant places to charm me or win me over. He took me to these places because he liked to eat (a lot) and he liked to eat well. I was just there as scenary; something to stare at and fill his desperate need to have a girlfriend. You see, what I didn't realize at the time was that Mike had quite low self-esteem and he used me to masque it. A part of his low self-esteem was that he tried to control me. I remember many times when he would, for example, try to tell me how I felt or what I wanted. Having this control likely made him feel more empowered and less like the sad little puppy he was. At the time, of course, I had no idea that this was the case. I just became more and more entangled in his web, unsure of what to do or how to get out of it.
When I finally worked up the courage (and became angry enough at his controlling and demanding ways) to break up with Mike, he, yet again, convinced me that I didn't really want to end our relationship. I swear, he should have become a lawyer. He actually told me that I should give it another few months, and if I still felt miserable, then I could leave. I listened to him instead of my gut (which was shrieking at me to get out) and stayed with him until I couldn't take it anymore. Not only had I become sickened by the feeling of being controlled, I was embarassed to have him as a boyfriend. I didn't even want others at school to know that we spent time together. How could I be seen with someone who was so cocky and yet so not cool? This was not a good combination. Either way, in december of my senior year of high school, I finally told Mike that I wanted out. He proved himself to be the animal I thought he was when he shoved me into the wall and slammed the door on his way out of my house.
At the time, I do not believe that I learned my lesson from dating Mike. Looking back on it now, the lesson I should have learnt was a biggie. I should have recognized that love has nothing to do with constant attention or fancy restaurants. Love is not controlling or demanding. Love is giving and sharing and understanding. This is a lesson that I have learned. It took me quite a while, so I hope I know it by heart now.

Does anyone have any similar experiences from past relationships? Did you ever find yourself caught up in a relationship that only served to damage your self-esteem and self-worth? I certainly hope not. If you find yourself in this situation, I hope you will remember that love is never controlling....

Much Love,

~Nicole