High School: A time of confusion

The beginning of high school for me was less than joyful. I actually dreaded the first day, and cried several (ahem...many) times throughout the first few months. The transition was definetly a difficult one, and I longed for my middle school days and my old friends. It wasn't until the end of grade 10 that I actually found my place in the bewildering world of cliques and drama queens. I had a solid group of friends going into grade eleven and I was beginning to feel more comfortable in my own skin.
Once I finally settled into my (by then) not-so-new surroundings, I decided it was about time to fetch myself a boyfriend. The notion of having a high school love was something so prevelant in my mind and in those of my peers, that it was impossible to ignore. Growing up, I always imagined myself as a sophisticated woman in high school; with my handsome boyfriend and my beautiful hair, and make-up of course. Well, I did start to wear make-up quite often, but let's just say that the dreamy boyfriend part did not turn out quite as I had envisioned.
In fact, dreamy is a stretch that nobody would have made. I convinced myself that Mike was confident and smart, but really he was cocky and weird. He did not treat me well. In fact, he looked down upon me; he thought that I was of a lower class and made sure to remind me of it. He also thought that he was bound for Harvard, which wasn't the case (I will not gloat). Looking back on it now, I cannot believe I ever dated him.
This was the start of my dating people that I cannot believe I ever dated. To give myself some credit, however, I will point out that I was quite inexperienced at this point in time and I didn't know any better. I have no excuse nowadays, except to blame society. You can always blame society or a messed up childhood because both of these can cause some pretty crazy thoughts to brew in your mind. Anyways, let's leave the past on the back-burner for now and concentrate on Mike, and the damage he caused for 'high school Nicole'.
The details are a bit blurry for me now, as 9 years have passed since we first began dating. The entire relationship lasted just under a year and, lucky for me, my sister has a memory like a video camera. A special thank you goes out to Lauren for reminding me of all of the weird, disgusting and terrible occurences that formed the basis of my relationship with Mike.
Mike was a guy who like to do what he wanted, when he wanted, and he always wanted me to tag along for the ride. He liked certain restaurants; typically very expensive restaurants. At first, naturally, I was excited to dine at such lovely places with my boyfriend. It took me several months to realize that he wasn't taking me to these extravagant places to charm me or win me over. He took me to these places because he liked to eat (a lot) and he liked to eat well. I was just there as scenary; something to stare at and fill his desperate need to have a girlfriend. You see, what I didn't realize at the time was that Mike had quite low self-esteem and he used me to masque it. A part of his low self-esteem was that he tried to control me. I remember many times when he would, for example, try to tell me how I felt or what I wanted. Having this control likely made him feel more empowered and less like the sad little puppy he was. At the time, of course, I had no idea that this was the case. I just became more and more entangled in his web, unsure of what to do or how to get out of it.
When I finally worked up the courage (and became angry enough at his controlling and demanding ways) to break up with Mike, he, yet again, convinced me that I didn't really want to end our relationship. I swear, he should have become a lawyer. He actually told me that I should give it another few months, and if I still felt miserable, then I could leave. I listened to him instead of my gut (which was shrieking at me to get out) and stayed with him until I couldn't take it anymore. Not only had I become sickened by the feeling of being controlled, I was embarassed to have him as a boyfriend. I didn't even want others at school to know that we spent time together. How could I be seen with someone who was so cocky and yet so not cool? This was not a good combination. Either way, in december of my senior year of high school, I finally told Mike that I wanted out. He proved himself to be the animal I thought he was when he shoved me into the wall and slammed the door on his way out of my house.
At the time, I do not believe that I learned my lesson from dating Mike. Looking back on it now, the lesson I should have learnt was a biggie. I should have recognized that love has nothing to do with constant attention or fancy restaurants. Love is not controlling or demanding. Love is giving and sharing and understanding. This is a lesson that I have learned. It took me quite a while, so I hope I know it by heart now.

Does anyone have any similar experiences from past relationships? Did you ever find yourself caught up in a relationship that only served to damage your self-esteem and self-worth? I certainly hope not. If you find yourself in this situation, I hope you will remember that love is never controlling....

Much Love,

~Nicole

The beginning of my love-seeking ways...

It all started as expected. Grade 8: My second and final year in middle school. I developed a nasty crush on a popular boy in my class. He was funny, a talented rapper, and he seemed quite confident to a young & naive girl. That girl was me. To be honest, I can't quite remember the details of our initial flirtations, but I do remember the excitment related to the beginning of our relationship. It's incredible how the actions and events aren't properly encoded in my memory, but the feelings and emotions I felt are as clear as yesterday's news. We were children, really; only 12 & 13 years old. I remember thinking and feeling that I was already an adult, wanting an adult relationship.
We had fun together, of course. We would see movies, go for walks in the park by our school, and hang out with our mutual group of friends. I'm fairly sure it was a typical middle school relationship by any standards. I'm also fairly certain that it marked the beginning of my love-seeking ways.
In the summer after we graduated from grade 8, I travelled with my family for 1 month. My "boyfriend", Darryl, wrote letters to me. I remember feeling so far away from him and my life as a middle school girl. The distance was too much to bare, and our relationship ended when I failed to respond to one of his letters. Years later, when I was graduating from high school, I found out that Darryl was heart-broken when I broke off our relationship. I never believed he would have thought twice about me.
I cannot say that I learned very much from this childhood relationship, and even if I did, I couldn't tell you what it is. I did, however, become enthralled with the idea of love. Even at the age of 12, I knew that love was my ultimate goal. I read books about love stories. I favored movies that were romantic and passionate. And, above all else, I continually kept my eyes open for opportunities to find "true love". Darryl might not have been my first crush, but he started me on my journey towards finding what I trully desire. I must warn you, there have been some bumps along the way. I like to call these: "learning experiences".

Stay tuned for more "learning experiences" in my quest for love.

Much love,

~Nicole

My Introductions...

Hi everyone & welcome to my blog!

My hope is that this blog becomes a place for me to share my many adventures, experiences, and (hopefully) some words of wisdom that have come to me along the way. I call myself a "serial love-seeker" because finding true love is an significant goal in my life. I enjoy being in a relationship and having a partner to share life experiences with, but I have yet to find my match; someone who I trully "click" with. I envision my love-match as someone who can make me laugh, comfort me when I cry, and naturally becomes a member of my family. I want to be able to do all of these things for my partner as well. Up until this point in my life, I have had 7 significant relationships. Actually, I have been in 7 relationships in total, but I consider each one to be important as they have each shaped me in various ways. What have I learned along the way? I hope to share this with you as I try to recount the stories that have led me to where I am today: a hopeful 24 year old woman, who is excited about life, love, and family.

Family is probably the single most important element of my life. My sister and parents provide me with so much support and guidance and without them, I would be lost.

I look forward to sharing my life with you!
xoxo

~Nicole